Many of us – I’ll venture to say working mothers in particular – are feeling burnt out in one if not many of the roles we find ourselves switching wildly between these days – parent, worker, teacher, disciplinarian, compassion figure, cook, consumer, partner, housekeeper, functional adult. I will say that I have felt “burnt out” – feeling hopeless and ineffective in dealing with my work and just over it – in every one of these roles over the past week.
We are reaching our limits within these roles more frequently because they used to serve as breaks from one another – while I was at work I didn’t have to worry about what was for dinner, and when I was planning fun and educational activities for my kids I didn’t have to also think about when I was going to fit these into my work day. Breaks (mental or physical) and feelings of purpose or motivation toward a goal are what prevent burnout – and here we are without them, and without an end in sight.
Here’s how we can recover from burnout, if we’re already there:
1) Redefine “effectiveness” – forget about being able to complete one task by a deadline and before moving on to another. If you are living in the reality of multiple overlapping and critical roles, surviving through the day without anyone dying is effective. Avoid setting expectations about all of the things you “should” be able to accomplish in a work day (or a parenting day, or a home-school day), and instead set one small, achievable goal in each of the realms you have to function that day. Plan to get outside. Plan to make it to that one important zoom meeting. Plan to take a few minutes to shower, to read, or to have a dance party in your kitchen – something that brings you joy. Plan to eat a sandwich. If you don’t reach all those small, achievable goals, THAT’S OKAY. There were probably too many of them anyway. Give yourself credit for the things you did, and let the other things go. Finish the day with gratitude about what went well.
2) Build up your Life satisfaction – Identify what things you do in a day that make you feel energized and engaged. Do more of those things. See if there are ways to define your “effectiveness” by how much you do these things, instead of how much work you get done or how much math your kid learns. If you also happen to identify some things that drag down your morale, see if you can either do less of those things or pair them with a reward or something fun like listening to a podcast or music while you file reports, or taking that meeting on your phone outside. We might not be able to quit all the things we don’t want to do, but we can maybe shift our thinking so that we don’t spend so much of our mental energy (which is limited!) on them to the point that it’s all we think about.
3) Talk about Work-Life Integration – if you’re a working parent, this is the time to talk with your manager/supervisor about how to design a more sustainable work-life integration – let’s lose this idea of “work-life balance,” as if they are ever going to be totally separate things again. We need to be able to work within our life, and live as whole humans even in our work. Now is the time, because if your workplace is not willing to be flexible now, when we are ALL needing flexibility, it is not. the. place. for. you. (I offer workplace consultation on specifically fostering the needs of working parents, so a well-placed referral can certainly be made here!) As workplaces are thinking about what productivity looks like long-term, we working parents have to be in the equation. It is also a unique time to take a look at your own work-life integration and think about what you would like it to look like as opposed to what it does look like, and see if some of the changes can be made internally (in your own thinking or prioritization), as well as making some recommendations to your employer.
I’m with you in this, working parents, and cheering you on as we all try to figure out our own balance, roles, and ways of moving forward!
Jessie Everts, PhD LMFT
